who knows?
i feel a violence brewing within me. fueled by disappointment and frustration.. regret is the wheels on which i collide through life. I've stopped wondering if i'll ever have a "normal" or "healthy" relationship. I wish I could call my past learning experiences but there seems to only be one stop on this route.
wreck.
they were supposed to love me.. right? or is that not right to expect nowadays? have love and romance become passe like marriage and multi-grain?
Steve once asked me if I expected some grand romantic gesture. Not that i know what That really means, but I think i said no, and i meant it. I don't expect the boom box, birthday cake, date for prom romance i would expect if i were a quirky redhead in the 80s. I don't EXPECT anything.
I Want someone to look at me and say earnestly "i love you, and there's no doubt about that."
or something along those lines. something earnest.. true.
i know the love that you learn. and i know the love you forget. and i know the love that you can't forget but wish you could.
beggars can't be choosers.
but assuming i'm not begging to be used and i'm in fact choosing these types of relationships..
who cares? it doesn't change the fact that Steve managed to break my heart in a way I never had experienced. he spilled acid on it and then tried to wash away his mistake.. and then just watched as i experienced the agony of 2 years of devotion and understanding and caring corroding.
i guess being weird should be a red flag.
