um

i really don't know what i'm doing most of the time. i'm impulsive, stubborn, and worst of all a little careless. sometimes it's a plus because my spontaneity, daring, passion, and even my klutziness will make for the most memorable moments of my life. unfortunately, i'm usually pretty reclusive because i've encountered the many problems that can come from these troubling personality traits, which just leads me down a spiraling path of depression.

so i don't really have to ask why i'm single. it's pretty apparent to me. i'm terrified, of everyone and everything. i'm completely afraid to make a huge mistake and actually care about someone and maybe get a little hurt. i don't like myself so i don't put myself out there, and when i do it becomes really apparent that i think badly of myself.

i can blame it on my upbringing and some of the traumatizing events of my past, but i can't blame anyone else but myself for continuing on in this fashion.

dear shitty ass month

can you get any shittier? it's like your shit is shitting more shit and then stepping in some shit that some shitty dog had to shit in the middle of the sidewalk.

i'm not exaggerating much when i say my life is shit. it can be taken pretty literally.

"The education that a female child receives in Arab society is a series of continuous warnings about things that are supposed to be harmful, forbidden, shameful or outlawed by religion. The child therefore is trained to suppress her own desires, to empty herself of authentic, original wants and wishes linked to her own self, and to fill the vacuum that results with the desires of others. . . . A girl who has lost her personality, her capacity to think independently and to use her own mind, will do what others have told her and will become a toy in their hands and a victim of their decisions." -Nawal El Saadawi

interesting correlation to my own upbringing and current existence.

i feel a little lost. i'm not sure what i'm doing or what i'm doing it for, or whether it'll be worth it in the end. i've forgotten a lot over the years, and i'm not sure i can ever regain it.

what could really justify these means?

i haven't quite opened up a crack/whorehouse yet, but i like to keep my options open. where and how does my life serve a purpose? happiness isn't eternal so why do we kid ourselves?

let's make this feeling last for 30 minutes. get our money's worth.

90%

i really feel like a fraud sometimes.

isn't it so that we all are imperfect. so who are we kidding?

i want to make you see something you wish you'd never seen.

on making art

is my duty first and foremost to make something "beautiful"?

or does that come inherently with the territory of making something provocative. the burgeoning of thought, an epiphany, that moment of inspiration. i think there's something powerfully beautiful. to look at the world with a child's eye.. to see everything as new and amazing and miraculous, before everything is explained away.. i want to re-install that sense of wonder into the world. set to default.

i want people to see what i can't see in this existence anymore.

everlasting love.

is an image destroyed once it's documented? or does it become eternal once it enters the world of virtual reality. data can be corrupted and viruses work against an operating system but is information ever lost? is anything ever really lost?

image of iconic image printed out, photographed, and the facsimile is printed and photographed again and again.

is the original image necessary? can we exist in a world of facsimiles?

there's something to be said.

what happens when the most honest way you know to get by is to lie?

i don't know why.

i don't know how to tell the truth.

i wanted to punch someone.

I, for one, usually wear my unsightly stomach bulge and short breathedness fairly proudly. Think of how many cheeseburgers and beers I killed for This to happen. It's not necessary but if you honor this great country by bearing the stars and stripes on your undergarments or can belch the national anthem, you should be grateful to me for getting all this artery clogging business out of your grasps so you can still cling onto manifest destiny.

But when it does come time for me to hoist my flag on the toothpick that's holding together all 20 layers of meat and cheese between whatever form of white bread I so desire this 4th of July, I really want to look pretty shoveling it in, rather than it being reminiscent of that scene where Jabba the Hutt indulges in some juicy looking alien grub.

So I went for a run. I waited until the exact moment at which point I wouldn't be directly irradiated and before all the shrubs, cardboard box piles, and shopping carts turned back into leering homeless crazies and pervy kidnapping manchildren. The setting was perfect. I managed to somehow escape the dreaded compression short camel toe. And I was off!

For about 10 minutes (I might be exaggerating here) I was doing good. I even had a little pep in my step. As I was bouncing along with my facelift of a ponytail whipping gracefully in the wind I began to feel the glory: The glory of galloping horses across open plains, of a caribou outrunning a hyena (probably different ecosystems. I'm sorry..).... of man's first steps on the moon. I was in slow motion. I may have been hallucinating. Because apparently my body hasn't adjusted to running in anything higher than 50 degree rainy weather. And apparently my brain hasn't figured out that my body needs water.

I was SO dehydrated, and running around a lake I was like a lost bedouin sprinting across a paved Sahara as an oasis mocks me with gentle spritzes from its water fountain. I had to recycle my bodily fluids. At first I just savoured the feeling of the what was probably the same blob of saliva that my body would secrete. I was probably drinking pure essence of desperation by the time I ran out of saliva and resorted to my next resource. You know what's really great about running? It really clears the sinuses. I get pretty bad allergies and this week I've been working on overcoming a head cold. So what a great opportunity to get some fresh air and flush out my mucus. Right? Right. Well I discovered the true beauty and horror of reclaimed hydration. Folks. No. Just no. There is something really horribly degrading about having to resort to post nasal drip to rehydrate. And because I didn't want to seem like a disgusting fool to all the attractively fit joggers on my route I wouldn't even resort to giving it a good heave-ho and hocking up a couple loogies. Nope, I went the stereotypical Chinese water torture route (I'm not Chinese but I get to pull the oriental card on this one, because EVERYONE in elementary school would ask if I knew how to get of a Chinese finger trap because my eyes were all slanty and people that look like Kristi Yamaguchi obviously know all about gag gift paraphernalia!).

So that's how I survived my "run". Drip by mucus-y drip. You would have done it too. It's not like I didn't look for other options. I was frantically scanning the landscape for just ONE drinking fountain or dew laden leaf. I would have wrestled one of those stringy, overly prepared jogging short, reflective vest joggers down, had I not first considered the fact that they were probably smart enough to bring a 3-in-1 pepper spray/shank/rape whistle combo device.

Eventually I found a nice low flow drinking fountain in the last quarter of my jog. And then I was outrun by what I'm pretty sure was a Mexican Midget Lucha Libre in my sprint to the finish.

What the fuck.

Back to my Parks and Rec marathon!!! haha..

pretty sure..

i should start looking for a snuggy on ebay. maybe it'll come with a recliner and a cathy coffee mug.

it's been two years. my singlehood is no longer in its infancy. it's a full fledged toddler.. in its terrible twos as they say. it's chewing on everything it can get it's grubby, nubby hands on.

i'm not so much resigning... as being fully accepting and non-judgemental of what will probably be the status of the rest of my life. look on the bright side. it's all pizza, sweatpants (without the drawstring, strung), and irish everything from here on out!

yes bright.. like fluorescent lighting.