there is

there's nothing.

i don't know why i'm trying so hard to put our relationship back together while he just sits back and does nothing.

the only thing to do is to force myself into the passenger seat... he knows i'm here so he should just take the wheel if he really honestly loves me.

are guys just afraid of admitting that they don't really love someone? it's the first thing i would deny.. it just opens everything up for hurt.


i'm tired of this. it's his turn to fucking put some effort in.

i'm sobbing

at my computer. but i really don't feel anything but helpless.

i have no concept, no map of my own heart. just the knowledge that there is a destination.. whether it's worth the odyssey should be relevant, but the first thing we usually come to terms with as "adults" is that the ends never justify the means.


i miss him. but what is there to do?

so my answer is...

yes i'm going to hold it against you.


i don't feel any obligation to forgive you and you feel no remorse..

i think it's a fair trade. uganda would go for it.

i guess..

i should have figured. he was always all talk. he blew my heart full of hot air and i rode high for a while but now...

not that it matters if he doesn't actually want to see or talk to me.


on my way to the condo i drove past the park i walked to after i discovered that he was cheating. i guess the feeling can only be described as heart wrenching.. it's the same feeling i get when i discover my mom still keeps my dad's old robe tucked away or when I hear "you are my sunshine"... some amalgam of nostalgia, heartache, and panic.


i remember how he held me and wouldn't let me go.


what was that? i don't think it was love.. maybe a sort of desperation or disbelief?

whatever it was.. it's not there anymore.. it wasn't there after i tried to walk away. but i saw a glimpse of the way i want him to love me.





i can't live with a love expressed only in aberrations.

maybe

the reason i keep falling for the "wrong" guys is because i don't even have an idea as to what my "right" guy would be.

it's like playing darts blind-folded.. too many people get hurt with this method..

i think

my father lived his life through books. i'm determined not to live that way.. i want to feel every tear drop and taste every spoonful and hear every note of my life.


but does that mean i should be reckless?

i feel..

i know my father better now than when he was alive.


did i never ask? or did he never tell?



i realize i couldn't possibly know all the right questions to ask.. maybe that's what we need to learn..


i've got dickens, joyce, and rand staring me in the face.. i feel more ashamed than intimidated.

indefinitely..

i will fuck men who will never love me.


it's high time that i accept this. trouble is.. how do i know? or does that even matter? maybe no man will ever love me. that would make everything SO simple. if i just knew that. i believe it like i believe in quantum physics. i'll never really accept it...

i don't like living indefinitely. sanity requires definition.



my heart already lacks any logic. what's there to lose if my brain follows? i think my seratonin levels would skyrocket.




the trick is.. not falling in love, as absurd as that sounds.. i'm fighting eons of evolution here.



maybe it's not so much not falling in love, but making it so that this reactive chemical fiasco we call "love" doesn't really register as it does right now. i'm sure i can ignore it.. like learning to overcome my gag reflex.



he just doesn't seem to feel any remorse. and he'll never have the answers i need because he doesn't want answers. and i understand that.. it's much easier to find a person that suits him than work on making us fit.



nb these hesitations don't exist when we're fucking. how convenient.

check.

i'm so... GRARGH.

confused to say the least.. frustrated to the utmost.. exhausted to no end.


it's.. definitely been one hell of a week.


btw i'm still fucking my ex. btw i'm doing nothing with my life. btw i'm SO effin horny.


all this is culminated in me listening to 90s hiphop and wondering what the hell i'm doing and how to get the party started.





i can't. do this. just punch me in the mouth and get it done with already.