hunger

i feel it.

hopes.

I can only hope that they'll say "She must have been up to something."


But. Right now. I try to find exactly what I lost when I lost him. Is it really so intangible that I can't place my finger on a single moment or word or touch?


Or was our relationship just a cloud that I just happened to be caught up in for a couple years?


A very stormy cloud.



But I want to pick up the phone and call him. I need him for nothing. I need to see him in the dark. I need to feel him through the sheets. I need to hear the silence he leaves in a room.




I need to tell him there isn't anything anymore, but I really don't care.






What's wrong with me? I repeat to myself that it's been almost a year.. talking sense into a sensational denial of reality.





I wish he would call me. Maybe to remind me what we don't have anymore.

On, Art.

I have nothing but dreams.


Can I create without even touching the brush to the canvas? or can I suspend myself just below conception and just above the birth mark that inaugurates a painting?


I am clinging to extra-terrestrial expectations. Science fiction at best. Reality TV at worst (like right now.. what else is a blog?)


Terrified, we'll all forget our dreams. I'm afraid that's all I'll remember.

way

to milk it for all it's worth.

the lottery.

i wonder.


if you're lucky the day you win the lottery, does that mean you're unlucky every normal day of your life?


i understand that everyone is lucky in some sense of the word. lucky i'm not homeless, lucky i have a family that loves me, lucky i'm not brain dead. but what if we're approaching this luck thing all wrong? where it isn't just about millions of dollars or the capacity to breathe without the aid of a machine pump.



curiouser and curiouser.


if you approach this whole thing we call life believing nothing is coincidence, then we never have to be grateful for anything do we? but if we think everything is chaos then we never have to try.

of course like a good mixed drink life is all about a good balance of fate and chance. neutrality.

i think that's what people try to achieve. everyone wants to control everything but no one wants to take the blame. we're each little napoleons.. our egos are homonculi pursuing world domination whilst cowering in a corner. i see us all clicking and clacking around in our plastic hamster bubbles.. clawing at the clear view of each other... occasionally reaching the top of the pile, but always, ALWAYS bouncing back to earth with jarring and unfettered descent. a pure fall. we're all such idiots.


i had a glow in the dark hamster ball once. for my pet, not myself. interesting that it still ran like hell even though it couldn't perceive a place to run towards.. just glowing plastic met with glimpses of darkness. maybe they just like the fresh plastic breeze.



so today sucked. i'm pretty much in hate with everyone. i feel like a poo. and not one of those cute tamagachi poos. i mean the poo you come across in the forest that can't even hold its own form and you wonder how long it'll take the creature that laid me to track you down for lunch.


no i haven't graduated. yes i'm going to school with a bunch of slacker 18 year olds. yes my IQ has probably dropped a couple dozen points. no it doesn't matter at community college.




you know, i didn't realize that the average IQ was 100.


that's how stupid i am. i didn't even realize how potentially smart i was.


but isn't that how the story of humanity goes?